Peter S. Glassman, LLC

Conflict, Emotions, & Lawyers: There is Hope

The other day I was on a conference call with a bunch of lawyers from a state agency.  We were preparing for a mediation training and discussing how mediation was used in their work, and how our training could develop and enhance their skills.

One of the lawyers mentioned that mediation was often effective in letting participants vent emotions at the table, allowing them to let go of some emotion and move forward toward a rational decision or settlement.  All the other lawyers on the call seemed to agree with her.

If you are reading this, you are probably familiar with the mediation process and recognize this as a pretty standard, well known benefit of the mediation process.  But did I mention that these were lawyers?

I have trained scores of lawyers to be mediators.  Maybe that is still a rather small sample size, and I wish to share my observations rather than stereotype.  

My experience is that a lot of lawyers are very uncomfortable with the notion that one of the goals of mediation may be to provide a safe place where emotions can be vented and heard. They feel that our goal should be to get people past emotions.  They feel that managing emotions is the job of spouses, family, and/or therapists or other “touchy-feely” professionals.  “That’s not what we do”, they will tell me.

I am a lawyer too.  And I have shared these feelings whether I am acting as an advocate or a neutral.  I often think, “Can’t we move on, already?”  Or “haven’t you said this fifteen times already?”  And I do understand that there are some folks who really do hang onto their anger for years; who seem to have a psychological need to possess that anger, and may indeed need professional help to move on, if they are to move on at all.

That being said, in the vast majority of mediated cases, we see that participants are able to vent their anger a bit – sometimes a lot – and move on.  Part of the art of mediation is being able to allow those emotions to come out without escalating the conflict further.

The lawyer on the phone gave me hope for the legal profession.  As lawyers, we do not have to give up our toughness and our ability to use rational thought and well crafted arguments to persuade and to reach resolutions which benefit our clients.  But we can certainly recognize that developing the skills that allow us to acknowledge, reflect, and provide a safe environment for the venting of emotions can be an extremely valuable skill to possess.  And it is a skill from which our clients will greatly benefit.   Engaging with the emotions of the folks at the table is not a weakness, it is not beneath us.  Rather, it is a significant part of helping our clients achieve results that meet their needs.  And that is what both mediators and lawyers want.